And they laughed

Yesterday when I got home from work, dh and the boys were all outside. I went inside to change clothes intending to go back outside with the family, but I had barely gotten upstairs when a screaming Bitty came running inside looking for me.

"You got WET on it AAAHHHHHHH I don' wanna be WEEETTTT!!! And (Cuddlebug and Bearhug) iss shooting WET and you pants is being WET AAAHHHHH don't get WET on my red shirt and der WAFFING!!!! STOP WAFFING brudders!!!!"

He went on and on... apparently his brothers had gotten a hold of the water hose and sprayed him with it. And then laughed. Bitty was gritting his teeth and removing the offensive wet items as he told me what had happened. The indignant anger was palpable.

Of course my first reaction was to try to calm him down. I mean he was UPSET. He hates to be wet (bathtime has become a battleground again but that's another post). He especially hates to have his clothes wet.

My second reaction was that this is the first time I can ever remember him noticing that someone was laughing and being upset about it. Normally he'd be upset about the "wet" but oblivious about the laughing. That's a big leap in social awareness IMO. And I was impressed that he was able to tell me exactly what happened, and in pretty-darn-near complete sentences too. Go Bitty!

And then my heart stopped.

My sweet baby is no longer oblivious to things like someone laughing when he's upset. Not that it happens often (thank goodness) but being aware of it and knowing how to handle it are two different things :(.

I wonder if this came about because of what happened at school last week, in which he was the one laughing. He was apparently calling his friends names* at school (and if his response when we tried to talk to him about it at home was any indication, he thought he was HILARIOUS but clearly his friends did not). So maybe going through that experience and having to apologize for it is what taught him that laughing at someone is not nice. And therefore having someone laugh at him is unacceptable (as it should be).

When Bearhug and Cuddlebug came in, Bitty started chewing them out for both the "wet" and the "waffing." Maybe I shouldn't be so worried about him after all, he knows how to stick up for himself. He told his big brothers EXACTLY what he thought about the situation. I intervened before he could start another incident (because he gets physical when he's angry and they were grumpy about something else and not exactly in a mood to tolerate being chewed out by little brother), had them apologize and convinced him to let it go.

Peace restored. Whew.



* My best guess is that maybe since he gives our cat a new name every couple of weeks, he thought he could make up a new name for his friends too? He thinks he's funny stuff whenever he renames the cat, so it kind of seems like maybe that's what he was doing at school, but it's hard to know for sure.

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Magic Marker Monday: Helping others

When the 4th and 5th graders were offered a chance to run for student council, both Bearhug and Cuddlebug decided they wanted to run (they each ran for different positions). One of the requirements was to write a short essay describing a time they helped someone and what they learned from it. Here are their essays (click to enlarge).

Cuddlebug wrote about helping a Kindergartener (not his brother) get to car riders at the end of the day for the first two weeks of the school year. It was something he volunteered for.


Bearhug wrote about helping a little boy's parents at church by playing with him to keep him entertained (he loves playing with younger children and has expressed an interest in babysitting when he gets older).


For reference, here's the snake he's referring to. It's kind of squishy, making it one of his favorite things to play with :).



They didn't end up winning their elections this year, but it was a good experience so they may decide to try again next year. Either way, I am proud of them for the effort they put in :).


For more Magic Marker Monday, visit 5 Minutes for Special Needs.


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Social skills online

For a long time, Cuddlebug and Bearhug kept asking me to sign them up for "Hatena ID's." Their Nintendo DS's came with a game called "Flipnote Studio" in which you can make your own flipnote animations.

Remember when you were a kid and would see those drawings on the edge of a page, and if you flipped the pages fast enough, it would look like an animated drawing? It's like that, only electronic.

The boys had made all kinds of flipnotes, and wanted to be able to share them on the Hatena website.

The thought of them interacting in an online community like that (granted, it's mostly kids, but it could be anyone!) made me really nervous. When I finally checked it out and we agreed to sign them up, we laid out a series of ground rules.

They are not to use their real names, location, or any other personal information in anything they post. They know that doing so will mean we will no longer let them use the website, for an indeterminate amount of time (probably forEVER).

Any comments on their flipnotes, "fan" adds or anything like that sends a notification to my email address, so I can monitor how others are interacting with them.

Unfortunately, I don't know of a way to track comments that THEY leave for others without just clicking on all of them individually.

But one day I saw an email with a rather unfriendly comment to Cuddlebug and went searching to see what that was all about.

Turns out Cuddlebug had posted a rude comment to someone, which I could tell stemmed from his not understanding something they'd posted and getting offended by it. Sigh. Of course they would have no way of knowing that, but even so it's no excuse because he KNOWS better than to say mean things like that to anyone.

As far as I could tell, the user in question is a girl, probably a teenager or maybe pre-teen. Of course when Cuddlebug posted his rude comment, her friends all jumped in to her defense. One of them even posted (to him) "your comment looks like it was written by a 3rd grader!" (groan). Well, just a few short months ago, he WAS a 3rd grader... Cuddlebug is a master arguer, so he just kept on going too.

I marched upstairs to have a little talk with him about not being rude to other people online, even if they post things that we may not like (especially since it was clear that he had been the one to instigate the "rude comments." I told him he needed to apologize to her.

Well, she managed to block him before he could leave her an apology note.

Honestly, I was glad she chose to block him instead of asking all her friends to start spamming him with mean comments in return (I've seen enough online spats, even among adults, to know how they often turn out).

The next day, he sadly told me that hadn't been able to apologize to her because she blocked him.

Well, apparently a few weeks later he came up with another solution (and I was impressed that he was actually still thinking about it).

He posted a flipnote addressed to her with his apology and a cute animation that he made.

What's more, she actually saw it and posted a kind comment in return (and she unblocked him, which made him happy).

He learned something through that experience, about being kind to others, about apologizing when we hurt someone, even if it was unintentional, and about the peace that comes from making amends. I'm proud of him (and thankful for the girl who took the time to let him know all was forgiven). :)



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"Outrageously"

Cuddlebug tends to use certain words and phrases over and over (sometimes repeatedly in the same conversation). Like stopping every 20 seconds to say "and guess what?" before continuing on with what he was saying.

His latest word is "outrageously." For example, T-rex's are "outrageously powerful." (he and Bearhug are really into dinosaurs right now).

One night as I was tucking them into bed, Cuddlebug told me, "heyMomguesswhat?... silly bands are outrageously poplee-ar. Everybody at school has at least one. Some people have LOTS of dem."

For those who don't know what silly bands, er, silly bandz are, they are basically rubber bands made in different shapes - animals, musical instruments, fruits... you name it, there is probably a silly band for it.



He and Bearhug have been bringing silly bands home from school, most of them earned from the "treasure box," and some traded with other kids I think. When I finally got around to looking them up on the internet (because the boys REALLY want the dinosaur ones) I found out that apparently these things are "outrageously poplee-ar" around the country, not just here.

I have to say I was really impressed to hear him say that. Usually our boys are into whatever THEY are into and if other kids like it too that's fine and if they don't, that's fine too. Nothing wrong with that, I rather like that they are individualist in that way, and not following the crowd. :) But I thought it was great that he had *noticed* a trend at school, and even more so that he actually cared. That's quite the social awareness IMO :).

And I will admit, I am also relieved that the "in" thing at my sons' school turns out to be relatively inexpensive too :).





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"Can he talk?"

Bitty has made so much progress, and yet as he gets older the divide between his development in some areas and those of his peers seems to only widen. One of those areas is communication.

Not long ago, the boys had a friend over who asked me how old Bitty is. Well, first he asked Bitty but got no response, even with a little prompting from me (although Bitty did eventually at least look at him). So he asked me instead. "He's four," I answered. "Oh, my little sister is four too!" he said, "but she can talk. Can 'Bitty' talk?"

Hmm... define "talk"? I thought to myself, as it really is more complicated in practice than it sounds... but I just answered "yeah, he's learning to talk."

Someone else asked me recently whether Bitty understands when he answers a question by repeating it back (or more accurately, repeating back the last 2-3 words of the question). It was an honest question, the person was just trying to better understand Bitty.

There are times when it's hard to know for sure. But most of the time, yes, he does understand. I think he probably understands more than even we realize.

Cuddlebug and Bearhug sometimes complain that "'Bitty' can't talk" but they are pretty good at understanding him (and sometimes his actions leave no room for doubt as to exactly what he's trying to say, lol). Sometimes they'll even "translate" for me, explaining what they believe Bitty's various phrases or mannerisms are meant to convey.

He is slowly developing his repeated words and phrases into "scripts" and learning how to apply them in different situations rather than simply repeating them immediately or at random later times (he still does a lot of that too, it's a process). He's getting better at "correcting" us when we misunderstand him, rather than having a meltdown (unless he's too tired or overstimulated, and then look out!).

As the saying goes, "not being able to talk is not the same as not having anything to say." Bitty has so much to say, it's just up to us to listen.

More on that in my next post...





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The silent treatment

Bearhug and Cuddlebug are quite verbal, and for that I am grateful. However, it is clear to me that while they may make it look effortless to the average observer, it does in fact take a fair amount of effort. I notice their words beginning to slur whenever they are tired or over-stimulated. Sometimes when it’s too much effort, they resort to hand signals and body language (pointing, nodding, etc.). And sometimes, all efforts to communicate break down.

This happened recently with Bearhug. A couple of weeks ago, he seemed upset after bathtime. He followed me around for a few minutes but wouldn’t talk to me when I asked him what was wrong. Having a just-bathed, squirmy Bitty to contend with (the boy who despises baths which makes bathtime a real treat), I shrugged and went about getting Bitty dried and dressed. I was about to head downstairs when I decided I’d better go check on Bearhug again first. I found him curled up on the floor next to his bed – still not dressed. A little concerned to find him like that, I asked him again what was wrong.

Silence.

I waited a few moments and asked again. More silence. I started trying to guess. Was he hungry? Thirsty? Tired? Cold? Not feeling well? Did his tummy hurt?

I paused after each question, looking for any sign of a response. There was none.

I noticed that he was directly under the air conditioner vent and asked him again if he was cold. Getting no response, I told him if he got dressed, he’d feel warmer. Still nothing.

I decided to take a chance that maybe that was it, and I pulled the comforter off the bed and put it on top of him. No response still. I gave up trying to talk to him and just laid down on the bed next to where he was. I figured eventually he’d have to get up, right? And I didn't want to leave him alone like that, when it seemed obvious that something was wrong even if I had no idea what it was.

Several minutes later, he got up and climbed into the bed next to me, bringing the blanket with him. He cuddled up to me, but was still silent. So was I.

A few more minutes passed, and he jumped up, seemingly back to his chipper self.

“Sorry, Mama,” he said.

“For what?”

“For not answering you, I was too cold to talk.”

“It’s ok. But next time you’ll be warmer if you get dressed right away.”

And with that, he was off to get dressed, and he was fine. We have these little episodes every now and then, sometimes with Cuddlebug too. (Bitty doesn’t go silent when he’s overwhelmed, he goes into meltdown mode). I wish I could read their minds on days like that, because the guessing can be frustrating, especially when I’m guessing wrong.

Actually it seems to be more frequent recently but I think it's because of all the "new" things going on - a new school year - with a new teacher, new classmates, new classroom, and new lunchtime - starting Scouts, etc. Things are slowly starting to settle down again as each of us gets accustomed to our new routines. Despite a few speedbumps, this is actually probably the smoothest transition we've had into a new school year - ever. Let's hope that's the start of a new trend ;).






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"Molly was sad"

I recently found myself sitting with Bitty next to a little baby, who was sitting on his grandmother’s lap. Bitty surprised me by taking a mild interest in the baby – typically he doesn’t show much (if any) interest in other children (other than his brothers). At one point, the baby started to fuss a little. Bitty took notice, and looked back and forth from the baby, to his grandmother, to me, with a curious expression.

He looked at me with a mock-sad face and said, “Mah-ee wa’ sad.”

Translation, “Molly was sad,” a line quoted from one of the Thomas stories. Then he imitated the sound of the baby’s fussing (he likes to imitate both words and sounds), looking at me.

I was a little worried that the grandmother might be offended by Bitty imitating her grandchild, but if she noticed she didn’t seem to mind. Maybe she didn’t realize that’s what he was doing, more likely she was too busy taking care of the baby to even notice. :)

For my part, I was impressed that Bitty was showing an interest in other children and that he noticed and correctly interpreted the baby’s fussing. Yay, Bitty!






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What it means to be a friend

A year or so ago, I read a book called "The Speed of Dark," by Elizabeth Moon. The main character is an adult with autism, and at one point in the book he finds himself the victim of a man who is increasingly hostile toward him. He fails to recognize the man's true intentions, or to put the clues together to realize that this person is behind the things that are happening to him (they guy sabotages his car among other things). His other friends try to tell him to be careful around this person but he won't even consider the man as a "suspect" because he is a "friend." The man has told him he's his friend, and they actually were friends at one point in time, which means he's categorized as a "friend" and in the main character's mind, nothing can change that.

I was reminded of this story earlier this week during a discussion with Cuddlebug and Bearhug. It was nothing so serious, of course, but dh and I noticed that when they were playing outside with their friend he was being overly bossy toward them. They were working on a project, and the other boy was telling them what to do and having them do all the "work" while he did the "fun stuff."

The boys came inside talking about how their friend was "the boss" and told them everything to do. They didn't seem to mind, but we felt like he was taking advantage of them. We talked to them about the importance of taking turns so they could each have a chance to do the fun stuff, and told them not to let the other boy tell them what to do all the time. We reminded them that they don't have to do whatever he tells them (we've had that discussion before). We suggested that if the other boy gets too bossy, to come inside for a while and when he sees that acting like that will result in having to play alone, he'll learn to take turns.

Bearhug gets it. The next day, he did come back inside when he got tired of being bossed around. Cuddlebug stayed outside playing, and we saw the same pattern. Dh went outside and told them to take turns. When Cuddlebug came inside we talked about it some more. He got upset with us, told us the boy is his friend, and he likes him telling him what to do. We have spent so much time teaching the boys to take turns with others, it just kills me that he was so willing to let someone else get away with not taking turns at all. It didn't matter how we tried to explain, or how much we assured him standing up for himself was not going to make the other boy stop being his friend. We tried explaining that the way his friend was acting was NOT being a good friend.

Cuddlebug just wasn't having it, and got increasingly upset with me and dh. Unfortunately, it didn't matter how I explained it, I just wasn't getting through.

I realize I may be a bit overprotective, especially in social situations since I know that Cuddlebug in particular takes things at face value and doesn't understand the nuances of nonverbal behavior (in other words, as long as this boy is labelled as a "friend" nothing he does can be wrong, and he doesn't recognize when his friend isn't being particularly nice to him).

Bearhug is slowly starting to learn to recognize these things. At least he is open to listening when we tell him, and he internalizes the new "rules" of what to watch for. We're trying to teach both of them to recognize behavior and what it means. We spent so much time when they were younger on facial expressions and figuring out how people felt based on that (things like what does a smile mean, how does a person crying probably feel?)

They've done a good job of learning those things, and now they use that with us. For example, they'll make an exaggerated angry face when they're mad and say, "look at my face... how do you think I feel?" (lol). Now, it's the more subtle stuff that is hard, like when people pretend to be nice but what they're doing is mean. Or distinguishing between a friendly smile and a not-so-friendly smile. They see the smiling face and don't recognize when the underlying behavior contradicts that.

Cuddlebug really took offense, saying that we just didn't understand and that he liked doing all the work and watching his friend do all the fun stuff. Maybe he does but it doesn't make it right to let his friend treat him like that. And it's not even that this particular incident was so horrible, it's the precedent that it sets of letting other people take advantage of you just because they call themselves a friend. It's the principle of not doing something just because someone tells you to, but because you want to and it's the right thing to do (and if someone tells you to do something you don't want to do, or that you know you shouldn't do, say NO).

I get concerned because I have heard plenty of stories of teenagers and adults with autism being taken advantage of because they have this same difficulty. They take things at face value and they take people at their word, which can sometimes make them easy targets for people with less-than-good intentions.

Obviously this situation wasn't that - it was just a little boy who wanted to be in control of everything, who wanted to make his friends do all the work for their project while he did the fun part, and they were willing so why not? Learning to take turns and not boss your friends around is just part of growing up so I'm not saying their friend is a bad person or anything, I just saw this situation as a learning opportunity for our boys.

So, if you're still reading after all that rambling, how should I explain it next time so that Cuddlebug doesn't get upset and defensive of his friend, but rather sees the fact that his friend isn't being a good friend by acting that way and that it's ok to stand up for himself?





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